It was a pleasant Friday afternoon in September, about tea time.

Chairman Gimme Coin and President Simon Bar-Judas Newman were walking across campus to hear a guest speaker giving an outdoor lesson.

“He sure looks like a hippy from here. Long hair, sandals. Geez, what bleeding heart group chose him?” asked Newman.

Gimme Coin said, “Beats me. He’s got an awfully big nose, too. Oh well, enough of him. We’ve got to talk business out here away from prying ears.”

In the background, the speaker can be heard. “Blessed are the poor, for they shall bring Pell.”

“I’ve had it up to my ass with talk about the poor. Our average net price is over $29,000. We need some rich kids. Unfortunately, rich people are generally too smart to send their kids to a place like this.”

“What do you think the problem is, Simon?”

“Too goddamned religious. It’s a downer. Bloody crucifixes everywhere. Plus all these useless liberal arts majors. Does anyone do anything useful? Do they make real money?”

“Good question. You know, I looked our numbers on the College Scorecard when it came out, and the earnings aren’t bad, it’s all above average.”

“Tuition is also above average, well above average. We are having to buy students to get them here. Catholicism doesn’t sell today. Maybe if we had Catholicism Wow! or Sister Act, but I doubt it. Any chance of getting Whoopie Goldberg on campus? Maybe that would silence the social justice crowd for awhile. They make my teeth ache.”

“Blessed are they who do not need aid: for they will be shown mercy.”

“You’re the president, what are you going to do?”

“I’m going to clean house. We’ve got people on campus that need to go. Staff and students.”

“What?”

“You heard me. We’ve got some weak-ass students on campus. If we can get rid of them, we’ll save money and improve our retention rates. I’m pretty sure they are all poor, so getting them to leave will help the financials. We are buying students at an average of over $17,000, if we can get 25 to leave, that’s quite likely almost half a million dollars, assuming the weakest students are as poor as I think. We also have staff whose loyalty I doubt. I need absolute loyalty from my people to do the job you want me to do. Do I have your support?”

“You got it my friend. It sounds like you have a one hell of a plan here. We’ll back you all the way…after all, we really can’t afford your golden parachute.”

“Thank you.”

“Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness sake: for theirs is the Golden Parachute.”

“Finally that damn hippy says something I can get behind.”

“Like I said, Simon, the Board is behind you all the way. You’re our guy. A quick word of prayer before I leave?”

“If it’s quick. I’ve got shit to do and a house to clean”

“Let’s bow then. Dear father, God bless the revenue units and keep them safe, and self aware enough to know if they should leave….”

During part of my childhood was in Annandale, Va, my sisters and I, along with the other kids in the neighborhood delighted in threatening each other with the Bunnyman. The Bunnyman was an axe-wielding psychopath that kidnapped children and chopped them up while wearing a furry grey and white rabbit costume.

I never knew where the story came from until a few years ago when I was talking with a colleague at work who grew up not far from there and got on the topic somehow. “You know, ” he said, “there was a place called Bunnyman Bridge.”

Say what?

Thank God for Google and Wikipedia!  It’s all documented here. From Wikipedia:

Fairfax County Public Library Historian-Archivist Brian A. Conley extensively researched the Bunny Man legend. He has located two incidents of a man in a rabbit costume threatening people with an axe. The vandalism reports occurred a week apart in 1970 in Burke, Virginia.

The first incident was reported the evening of October 19, 1970 by U.S. Air Force Academy Cadet Bob Bennett and his fiancée, who were visiting relatives on Guinea Road in Burke. Around midnight, while returning from a football game, they reportedly parked their car in a field on Guinea Road to “talk“. As they sat in the front seat with the motor running, they noticed something moving outside the rear window. Moments later the front passenger window was smashed, and there was a white-clad figure standing near the broken window. Bennett turned the car around while the man screamed at them about trespassing, including: “You’re on private property and I have your tag number.” As they drove down the road, the couple discovered a hatchet on the car floor.

When the police requested a description of the man, Bob insisted he was wearing a white suit with long bunny ears, but his fiancee remembered something white and pointed like a Ku Klux Klan hood. They both remembered seeing his face clearly, but in the darkness they could not determine his race. The police returned the hatchet to Bennett after examination. Bennett was required to report the incident upon his return to the Air Force Academy.^{[citation needed]}

There are also these stories at WeirdUS.

Somehow I think it is delightful that my worst childhood fears were kind of real. Of course, this story is not nearly as scary as a college president that talks about students as cuddly bunnies that need to be drowned or Glocked. (Glocking them is probably the way to go since you leave a tiny suicide note in their paw.)

And some topical music:

I woke up and read InsideHigherEd and instead of a field of poppies, blood red in the morning sun, I saw a field of thousands of crucified bunnies.

“Despite Brown’s proven capacity for doing the impossible, as for example starting a magazine about mercenaries, he has a boundless talent for mismanagement.”

Life With Bob: A Sordid But Instructive Interval At Soldier of Fortune Magazine, March 1984.

This is such a good line. I read it and re-read it, thinking about all the college presidents, provosts, and vice presidents, I have known for which it is an apt description. If you doubt me, just look at recent editions of InsideHigherEd or the Chronicle, especially if you include mismanagement of self and the spoken word. It has not been pretty.

This would be a good time for the literature professors of Mount St. Mary’s U. (I really don’t want to call it a university at this point) to require students to read Watership Down by Richard Adams. It is a story of brave rabbits and rabbits that aren’t so brave (and thus die). And a rabbit, General Woundwort, who is not very nice, but has a clear vision.

https://vimeo.com/105781176

How to know you are in higher ed a cult:

Ten warning signs of a potentially unsafe group/leader.

1. Absolute authoritarianism without meaningful accountability.
2. No tolerance for questions or critical inquiry.
3. No meaningful financial disclosure regarding budget, expenses such as an independently audited financial statement.
4. Unreasonable fear about the outside world, such as impending catastrophe, evil conspiracies and persecutions.
5. There is no legitimate reason to leave, former followers are always wrong in leaving, negative or even evil.
6. Former members often relate the same stories of abuse and reflect a similar pattern of grievances.
7. There are records, books, news articles, or television programs that document the abuses of the group/leader.
8. Followers feel they can never be “good enough”.
9. The group/leader is always right.
10. The group/leader is the exclusive means of knowing “truth” or receiving validation, no other process of discovery is really acceptable or credible.

Apologies to the Cult Education Institute

The bills were debated daily
Debated day and night
They did their very best to make
Sheets of text smooth and bright
And this was odd, because it was
Not a question of right.

The clerk was smiling sulkily,
Because he thought Speaker
Had got no business to be there
After the day was done–
“It’s very rude of him,” he said,
“To come and spoil the fun.”

Higher ed bills flew far and fast
Their ink was dry and dry
You could not see a smudge
No smudges were on the bills.
No lobbyists could be seen
Something about forests and trees.

The Walrus and the Carpenter
Were walking close at hand;
They wept like anything to see
Such quantities of students:
“If they were only cleared away,
The campus would be grand!”

“If we made student aid
Harder to get, a year at a time,
Do you suppose,” the Walrus said,
“That they could get it clear?”
“I doubt it,” said the Carpenter,
And shed a bitter tear.

“The time has come,” the Walrus said,
“To talk of many things:
Of loans–and loans–the FAFSA
Of Pell grants –work study
And will we pass free college–
And whether pigs have wings.”

“But wait, there’s more!” said the Walrus.
“We’ll add standards,
We’ll make them take 15 credits,
And keep a  3.0 GPA, or else
They’ll pay us back, as they go.
We’ll call it free, or at least affordable.”

I walked through Walmart today, noticing old people.

I didn’t want to be there, and I couldn’t imagine that they really did either.

But then I realized they did want to be there. It was their socialization and still feeling part of the world.

But they haven’t had bought into the whole “buying on-line” thing and having it all delivered.

Or social media.

In 20 years, or 30, will I be them?

I hate going to the store when I can have it all delivered.

I can socialize online now and can’t imagine that changing.

I mean, saying crazy things, obscure things, or the web-equivalent of “Get off my lawn!” which is “Learn to use Google, you moron!”

Oh, wait.

I do these things now.

Something familiar
Something peculiar
Something for everyone:
It’s research tonight!

Something appealing
Something appalling
Something for everyone:
It’s research tonight!

Nothing with kings, nothing with crowns;
Bring on the data, SQL and clowns!

Old situations
New complications
Nothing portentous or polite;
Policy tomorrow
It’s research tonight!

Something convulsive
Something repulsive
Something for everyone:
Some research tonight!

Pie charts aesthetic
Line charts frenetic
Something for everyone:
Some research tonight!

Nothing with gods, nothing with fate;
Weighty affairs will just have to wait!

Nothing that’s formal
Nothing that’s normal
Just recitations to recite;
Open up the spreadsheets:
Some research tonight!

Something erratic
Something dramatic
Something for everyone:
Some research tonight!

Frenzy and frolic
Strictly symbolic
Something for everyone:
Some research tonight!

Something familiar
Something peculiar
Something for everybody:
Some research tonight!
Something that’s gaudy
Something that’s bawdy–

Something for everybawdy!

Research tonight!

Nothing but grids

Symbols, they’re Greek

She presents later this week

Stunning surprises!
Cunning relations!
Hundreds of factors, kept out of sight!

R-squares and runics!
Antecedents and applets!
Confounding examples!
Elements and axes!
Histograms!
Treatment groups!
Validity!
Timidity!
Mistakes!
Fakes!
Tests!
Crimes!
Type Is!
Type IIs!
Bumblers!
Fumblers!

Unbiased means, no Trojan horse
And a happy ending, of course!
Goodness and badness
No fit is madness–
This time it all turns out all right!
Policy tomorrow
Research tonight!

Apologies to Mr Sondheim and Messrs Mostel and Lane.

A set of random thoughts for today….they maybe too random for most people. And perhaps dangerous ground to tread.

A friend sent me this. (Go read it, I’ll wait.)

Ok, ready?

I think this comic is an excellent illustration of how little differences over time affect outcomes. Clearly, not everyone has the same outcomes, when even starting in roughly the same place with the same opportunities. Further “equivalent” opportunities do not result in “equivalent” outcomes.

Chaos theory, in what is to me at least, a very similar manner, describes the sensitivity of outcomes to initial conditions. Even tiny differences in rounding can lead to an inability to accurately predict outcomes.

Have you ever learned to juggle? Once an individual masters the basic understanding that there is never really more than one ball in the air at a time (save for the briefest of an instant), the three-ball cascade is simple to begin and maintain. At some point though, a toss will be slightly ahead of or behind the desired plane. This will affect the next catch, and the next throw, and so on. Eventually the juggler is chasing after the balls that have gotten away from him.

A little change, a little difference, ultimately throws the entire system off.

Microaggressions, “brief, everyday exchanges that send denigrating messages to certain individuals because of their group membership,” can also be considered as micro-influences if we make it a more generic concept. Or, if we consider each moment in time as a starting point to the next event, they are part of defining the initial state of individual. In other words, microaggressions influence the path of an individual (or even a group) from one event to the next.

Blessed are the poor: for they shall bring Pell.

Blessed are those who take morning classes: for they drive our utilization metrics.

Blessed are the meek: for they shall accept our decrees and use of their survey responses.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for self-righteousness: for they will be defended by the Board.

Blessed are they who do not need aid: for they will be shown mercy.

Blessed are the pure in heart: for they will be unaware of our deceit.

Blessed are the peacemakers: for they will be called conspirators.

Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness sake: for theirs is the Golden Parachute.

Little bunny Foo Foo
Went hopping through the forest
Scooping up the field mice
And bopping them on the head
Down came the Good Fairy, and she said
“Little bunny Foo Foo
I don’t want to see you
Scooping up the field mice
And Glocking them in the head.”
I’ll give you 3 chances,

And if you don’t behave, I will turn you into a goon!”

Who knew that little bunnie FooFoo was simply practicing enrollment management?

Matt Reed (@DeanDad) talks about this in his blog post and gives us this gem:

Mount St. Mary’s is a private, Catholic institution, so it isn’t subject to performance funding in a direct way. (Though it does raise the question: who would Jesus drown?) But that doesn’t make it immune to pressure to show the numbers.

My first thought was no, no, wrong church. This makes more sense in a church that believes if you hold someone underwater long enough, they will come up believing your way. Kind of like the church in which I was raised. But really, “who would Jesus drown” is just the gentler version of “kill ’em all, let God sort them out.” The latter version is really a terrible form of enrollment management as it kills your entire revenue stream.

Reed’s key point is that college president in question is trying to game the first-year retention rate (and later, the graduation rate) by ensuring any obviously iffy students are dismissed prior to them being included in official fall reporting. If you are still feeling like this is reasonable and have not experienced in moral outrage yet, let’s pursue this a bit more.

These are brand new students.

They are in their first three weeks of enrollment.

And the president has already decided they have no future at the institution.

The college had admitted them within the previous six months, with an implicit message of “Hey, we think you can be successful here. Please join us.”

What changed? Was the college that badly wrong in its admission decisions? Did the students change suddenly between application and enrollment?

The college administered a survey.  A. Survey.  (Was the Institution Review Board consulted, did it approve the survey and its intended use? Would this be a violation of federal research guidelines?)

From the Washington Post:

But the paper reported on an email exchange that expressed a desire to eliminate a certain number of students, based on the survey results, by the Sept. 25 cutoff date when the university would be required to report enrollment numbers to the federal government.

Were the students told their future at the college hinged upon their survey responses? Again, from the Post:

The Mountain Echo reporters wrote that Newman’s retention plan included administering a survey to all freshmen, with this introduction: “This year, we are going to start the Veritas Symposium by providing you with a very valuable tool that will help you discover more about yourself. This survey has been developed by a leadership team here at The Mount, and it is based on some of the leading thinking in the area of personal motivation and key factors that determine motivation, success, and happiness. We will ask you some questions about yourself that we would like you to answer as honestly as possible. There are no wrong answers.”

Looks to me, based on the limited information I have seen (and I have read the original Mountain Echo story, the editorial statement, and the letter from the board chair) that this entire process is a betrayal of ethics in research, enrollment management, and general human decency.

I think the student journalist and editors did the right thing by reporting this story. I’m glad they did.  This was awful behavior, and perhaps is the type of behavior that should put Title IV eligibility at risk for an institution.