It was a pleasant Friday afternoon in September, about tea time.
Chairman Gimme Coin and President Simon Bar-Judas Newman were walking across campus to hear a guest speaker giving an outdoor lesson.
“He sure looks like a hippy from here. Long hair, sandals. Geez, what bleeding heart group chose him?” asked Newman.
Gimme Coin said, “Beats me. He’s got an awfully big nose, too. Oh well, enough of him. We’ve got to talk business out here away from prying ears.”
In the background, the speaker can be heard. “Blessed are the poor, for they shall bring Pell.”
“I’ve had it up to my ass with talk about the poor. Our average net price is over $29,000. We need some rich kids. Unfortunately, rich people are generally too smart to send their kids to a place like this.”
“What do you think the problem is, Simon?”
“Too goddamned religious. It’s a downer. Bloody crucifixes everywhere. Plus all these useless liberal arts majors. Does anyone do anything useful? Do they make real money?”
“Good question. You know, I looked our numbers on the College Scorecard when it came out, and the earnings aren’t bad, it’s all above average.”
“Tuition is also above average, well above average. We are having to buy students to get them here. Catholicism doesn’t sell today. Maybe if we had Catholicism Wow! or Sister Act, but I doubt it. Any chance of getting Whoopie Goldberg on campus? Maybe that would silence the social justice crowd for awhile. They make my teeth ache.”
“Blessed are they who do not need aid: for they will be shown mercy.”
“You’re the president, what are you going to do?”
“I’m going to clean house. We’ve got people on campus that need to go. Staff and students.”
“You heard me. We’ve got some weak-ass students on campus. If we can get rid of them, we’ll save money and improve our retention rates. I’m pretty sure they are all poor, so getting them to leave will help the financials. We are buying students at an average of over $17,000, if we can get 25 to leave, that’s quite likely almost half a million dollars, assuming the weakest students are as poor as I think. We also have staff whose loyalty I doubt. I need absolute loyalty from my people to do the job you want me to do. Do I have your support?”
“You got it my friend. It sounds like you have a one hell of a plan here. We’ll back you all the way…after all, we really can’t afford your golden parachute.”
“Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness sake: for theirs is the Golden Parachute.”
“Finally that damn hippy says something I can get behind.”
“Like I said, Simon, the Board is behind you all the way. You’re our guy. A quick word of prayer before I leave?”
“If it’s quick. I’ve got shit to do and a house to clean”
“Let’s bow then. Dear father, God bless the revenue units and keep them safe, and self aware enough to know if they should leave….”