The Beatitudes for Bunnies

Blessed are the poor: for they shall bring Pell.

Blessed are those who take morning classes: for they drive our utilization metrics.

Blessed are the meek: for they shall accept our decrees and use of their survey responses.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for self-righteousness: for they will be defended by the Board.

Blessed are they who do not need aid: for they will be shown mercy.

Blessed are the pure in heart: for they will be unaware of our deceit.

Blessed are the peacemakers: for they will be called conspirators.

Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness sake: for theirs is the Golden Parachute.