….in which a young novice-to-be is turned away from the convent and told to pay off her student loans before she can take her vows. 

Enter a gaggle of nuns singing :

what do you do with student loans like Maria’s ?
How do you make her say, “I will pay and pay and pay.”
How do you find student loan forgiveness for a nun?

I guess she could become a Presyterian (PCUSA) and get debt forgiveness.

I guess she could also find a sugardaddy or would sugarfather be more appropriate?

And just how many rosaries must you pray to be forgiven $18,000 in student debt?

I could go on (and in my head, I have).