I put a title here as a placeholder a few days ago. Unfortunately, I no longer have a clue what I was thinking about. No matter, since then, other thoughts have occurred. Many ideas tend to dangle about until they flower or are pruned, sometimes yanked out at the roots. But, I am sitting here tonight watching Robert Altman’s “Nashville” (1975) and wondering, if everything looked as ugly and homogenous in 1975, why in the hell would anyone want to go back to an even earlier in America?

Listening to Keith Carradine sing “I’m Easy” reminds me that I am anything but easy. I’m apparently “difficult,” “freakishly intense,” “complicated,” and a “royal pain in the ass.” I’ve been called other things, some of which have been much worse, but these have frequencies of recurrence where n>10. For the record, I am trying to change some of these things, but frankly, I think achieving “intense” is perhaps the best I can hope to do.

The idea of being relaxed all the time, and easy to be around seems appealing. I think. I just can’t really imagine that as me. There will always be something to do. Some task will always be calling a part of my attention. And there is just too much shit going on in the world for me to think about being relaxed.

It’s not my way to love you just when no one’s looking
It’s not my way to take your hand if I’m not sure
It’s not my way to let you see what’s going on inside of me
When it’s a love you won’t be needing you’re not free

Please stop pulling at my sleeve if you’re just playing
If you won’t take the things you make me wanna give
I never cared too much for games, and this one’s driving me insane
You’re not half as free to wonder as you claim

But I’m easy, yeah I’m easy
Give the word I’ll play your game
As though that’s how it ought to be
Because I’m easy

Fortunately, the song is about being relaxed at all, other than relaxing any tendencies to say no. Kind of like your local 7-11. Although it comes across in the scene brilliantly as little more than a brilliant act of seduction in which three women all think they are the inspiration, and target. Lily Tomlin is brilliant here as she just sits watches and listens to the song.

I like this song. I always have since I first heard it way back when. In 2017 it has a different meaning to me than in the 1970s. Back then, I never thought that an expression of vulnerability was a good thing.

Don’t do me favors, let me watch you from the distance
‘Cause when you’re near I find it hard to keep my head
When your eyes throw light at mine, it’s enough to change my mind
Make me leave my cautious words and ways behind

Vulnerability, openness, availability, these are not the natural characteristics of a freakishly intense caregiver with fascist tendencies. They are also damnably hard to learn, so it may take me awhile. Relaxing the tendencies and desire to control, is freeing, so I expect that to get easier over time. Vulnerability….uggh, that seems pretty scary.